Doing well?

In the vitality projects I supervise, I always find participants with diverse personalities and habits. There is always someone who follows a seemingly perfect routine. Who imposes himself to take at least 10,000 steps daily. Invariably wants to get up at 6am. And sets themselves the goal of preparing a healthy, fresh meal every weeknight. In the short term, this strict approach, sometimes tending towards a regime, seems to pay off. But in the long run, it proves less effective. Below I explain why .

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Excessive “have to” and “want to” can get in the way of a healthy and happy life

Do you decide to allow more health and happiness into your life? Then, as clinical psychologist Paul Gilbert argues, you can approach your goals from three different systems:

1. The first system is called the “Threat system” and focuses on fear, which prepares you to fight, flee or stiffen.
2. The second system is the “Drive system”, which focuses on obtaining rewards. In both systems, you focus on external stimuli and act more or less on autopilot.
3. A third is the “Soothing system”, which focuses on the long term. It takes care of recovery, connection with others, breaks and sleep. Here, the focus is on what feels right and on what you need in the moment. You act consciously and in balance, paying attention to your body.

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Learning new habits: how?
Let's see how we can apply this knowledge to learning new habits. Suppose you want to exercise more during your working day. Depending on which system prevails at that moment, you might say the following to yourself:

• Threat system
  ‘I have to take a lunch walk during every working day.’
  This stems from fear of stress, fear of obesity, and so on.
  Language of the threat system: should - belong - serve - demand - avoid - hold off - threaten.
• Drive system
  ‘I want to take a lunch walk during every working day.’
  This motivates on the basis of wanting to get fitter and lose weight.
  Language of the drive system: want - achieve - expect - strive - desire - yearn - perform - consume.
• Soothing system
  ‘I allow myself to take a lunch walk during every working day.’
  This stems from the need for pleasure, feeling good, rest and recovery.
  Language of the soothing system: need - grant - allow - give - offer - rest - care - help - accept - afford.

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The ultimate goal in all three systems is the same is: to get more exercise. But the language you subconsciously choose has a significantly different effect.

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Choose your “language”

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First, the tone with which you approach your new habit varies. Which sentence motivates you most to take a walk at lunch time? Perhaps this is the sentence that belongs to the soothing system. The more positive associations you have with your new habit, the more likely you are to make it sustainable.

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There is also a difference in the motivation behind the words. The first two systems include external motivation, based on fear or achieving a goal. In contrast, the soothing system includes intrinsic motivation. You go for a walk because it feels good and you feel like it. Several studies show that you are more motivated and maintain new habits longer when motivation comes from within.

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Finally, there is a difference in the execution of these habits. The threat and drive system often lead to automatic behaviour, where you see the lunch walk as an obligation and may carry it out without really enjoying it. It becomes just one of the many tasks you have to tick off that day. In the soothing system, you focus on your feelings during the walk and consciously register what you see, hear and smell while walking. This makes you live in the moment and really enjoy the peace and beauty of nature. You experience more happiness and positive feelings when you do an activity from your soothing system.

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Internal motivation and conscious enjoyment are key

When you develop new habits from the soothing system, you develop more positive associations. By using your internal motivation and conscious enjoyment while doing it. In the long run, this increases the chances of sticking to your new habits.

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